thoughts

was clearing up my room so that I could welcome my new furnitures when I saw a box that was left forgotten. Maybe not forgotten, just trying to ignore the box. phones texts and tapping on my shoulder on a sunday and tuesday was hard enough for me to bear, yet I still have to constantly remind myself that life still goes on and time waits for no one. Boxes of stuff, a poignant reminder. I don't have the courage to read or look though the contents of the box, because I know what would happen, I would just end up mopping. So I just left it there, and hopefully one day, I would get through it and finally have enough courage to throw it away once and for all.

It's not because of the person which is why I'm still keeping it fully. It is because at that one point of time, it means the world to me. At one point of time, it was still true and it felt so real, yet now it seem so distant or cold. Or maybe because I was so determined to keep that distance, I rather forsake it than to try to keep it. Because once, I did tried hard enough, till I know that no matter how hard I tried, deep in my heart, I knew that it was going nowhere. And that's when I gave up. I.Gave.It.Up. It was too much to bear, I don't want to lose my own identity.

I couldn't be friends. I wanted strangers. You wanted friends, you don't want strangers. I ever did say that I would rather remain as strangers than to be friends. You said I was too cold and heartless, I kept quiet. Not because I was really cold and heartless, but because I knew much more better. Trying to strike up a conversation with me, is not helping, when I am determined to keep you out of my life. My walls went higher and higher each day, guarded and wary. I'm tired of constantly seeing things, reminding me of you. I hate how things that I do would remind me of you. I hate how people ask me if I am coping well, I don't need it, thankyouverymuch. Because it's just another reminder, an irritating reminder.

I want to get out of it. I want to fix my eyes on things that are worth it. I need God now more than ever.